BREAKING: Local Experts Confirm Tacoma Is a Funky Cheese That Frank Herbert Wrote a Sci-Fi Epic About

TACOMA, WA — Preparing to touch down in Sea-Tac for CCMA 2026, Garlic and Roses assembled a crack team of Tacoma-locked cooperators to get the bulk scoop on their town’s legends, lore, and ongoing local sagas.

This comprehensive report, compiled from answers to a series of probing, inane questions, would not be possible without the generous participation of Tacoma-area co-op staff. These intrepid folks took the time to conduct exhaustive field research involving bloody marys, antique shops, and an alarming quantity of artisanal cheese, to paint a picture of a city that is, in the words of one expert, "the cockroach Seattle can't squish."

FIELD DAYS: DO WHAT YA WANNA

Researchers described their ideal Tacoma days with the urgency of people who have been waiting their whole lives to be asked. One subject outlined a sunrise-to-sunset itinerary beginning at Owen's Beach, proceeding through Antique Row, and concluding at Titlow Beach — "bonus points," she noted, "if the orcas have made their way under the Narrows by then." Orca bonus points are not currently redeemable for any known currency, and no rain checks.

*Editor’s note: Google “Titlow Beach Octopus wrestling.” I will never be the same. Thanks, Megan Webster, for the tip!

A second respondent offered a more structured itinerary: gluten-free waffles, a waterfront stroll, and a nonprofit movie theater. A third went full leisure-mode, scheduling a sauna between breakfast and lunch. A fourth simply said "sunny day at Point Defiance with a cool breeze off the sound," which experts have confirmed is technically a perfect day anywhere on Earth.

One respondent — clearly the most ambitious — proposed breakfast at home, single-origin coffee, a Co-op picnic, rock climbing, and tacos, completing what scientists are calling "the most Tacoma day ever documented."

ONE MEAL: THE NATION DEMANDS ANSWERS

When asked to choose a single last meal in Tacoma, respondents split dramatically along ideological lines. The options provided included: a Mike's Deluxe with extra pickles and Tim's jalapeño chips from MSM Deli, butter paneer from Great Cuisine of India, anything from Cook's Tavern, a bánh mì from La Ca Bar, and tacos from any one of the city's "myriad taco trucks." No consensus was reached. A committee has been formed. It will meet never. I have already heard talk of a potential merger with a subcommittee to study the efficacy of committees.

BEATLES, STONES, OR KURT: A NATION TORN

The most contentious question in the survey — "Beatles, Stones, or Kurt?" — produced results so chaotic they may require federal intervention. Answers included: Bing Crosby (technically a Spokane native, but locals are claiming him), Kurt (twice), the Rolling Stones (reluctantly), David Bowie (a man not listed among the choices), and Kurt again but with an urgent addendum about Pearl Jam that the respondent physically could not suppress. No one picked the Beatles. The Beatles could not be reached for comment. Off the record mop-top “Goss” hears major regret choosing the Edgewater Hotel in Seattle August 1964. “We could have been bigger in Tacoma” mutters a dejected McCartney.

TACOMA AS CHEESE: AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS

In perhaps the report's most philosophically rich section, respondents were asked to describe Tacoma as a type of cheese. The results reveal a city of deep complexity:

• Cougar Gold (produced at the WSU creamery, aged to unique texture) — regal, institutional, shelf-stable
• Blueberry goat cheese — whimsical, unexpected, pairs well with crackers
• Emmentaler — "a little funky but otherwise mild with the occasional grit"
• Cave-aged blue cheese — "smells funky and by all accounts is contaminated, but a taste you can't find elsewhere"
• Something ripe with an ash rind — the respondent declined to elaborate, and honestly, we respect it

Taken together, experts conclude that Tacoma is a bold, funky, occasionally alarming cheese that rewards the adventurous palate. Wine pairing suggestions are forthcoming.

TACOMA VS. SEATTLE: THE ETERNAL QUESTION

On the fraught question of Seattle relations, respondents offered a nuanced spectrum of feelings ranging from "no one really cares" to "mildly adversarial" to a genuinely moving treatise about little sisters who "love, bicker, respect, and support each other." One respondent noted that Seattle has great concerts and restaurants but "no parking unless you want to pay $25/hr.," which is, frankly, the most damning critique in the entire document.

SHOCKING FACTS: BUCKLE UP

The report's final section — surprising facts outsiders wouldn't know — delivered several items that have upended geopolitical assumptions:

• The world's largest population of Giant Pacific Octopus lives under the Narrows Bridge. They were unavailable for comment but are presumed unbothered.
• Frank Herbert wrote Dune based on the ecological disaster that was Point Ruston. Tacoma is, canonically, Arrakis.
• Stadium High School is the filming location of 10 Things I Hate About You, starring a young Heath Ledger and, apparently, Tacoma's entire architectural legacy.
• An Almond Roca factory once served as Elvis Presley's private green room during the filming of “It Happened at The World’s Fair” in 1962. This is real. This happened.
• Blackberries grow like weeds here. One resident has been making jam for Christmas for three years running and shows no signs of stopping.
• Almond Roca just made its first new candy since 1972. The world is not ready.

IN CONCLUSION

When asked to complete the sentence "Tacoma makes, the world takes ___________," respondents offered: notes, inspiration, Almond Roca, and time. All correct. All haunting.

Tacoma, it seems, is a city that smells a little funky, harbors a secret octopus army, may literally be a fictional desert planet, and will absolutely make you jam for Christmas whether you asked for it or not.

We give it five out of five ash-rind cheeses.

Thank you again to our participants from Central Co-op, Tacoma store: Store Manager Amanda Cason, Grocery Lead Sebastian, Store Support Coordinator Ezra, Produce Lead Nate, and Deli Lead Beth. Your answers were equal parts heartwarming, delicious, and very enlightening!