Five Steps to Resolving Conflicts

How to Keep Your Side on Your Side or Five Steps to Resolving Conflicts

Pretend you’re the leader of a group. You all know what the mission is. You may even have specific plans to accomplish specific things. And then conflict breaks out. People are arguing. Others are taking offense. Some go on the attack, some shut down. Cliques and factions form. Ultimatums are issued. But you’re the leader of the group. How do you keep your side on your side?

To some degree or other, many of us are faced with this kind of conflict on a fairly regular basis, whether it’s at home, at work, with family, or with friends. Let’s face it: groups are hard because of US. I mean, we’re people. Humans. We have strengths, we have usefulness, and we have flaws. So how do you wrangle a group of humans? How do you help people focus on the work or listen to each other? How do you go from all out war to cooperation and accomplishment?

I’m a long time Board President at our Co-op. When I encounter conflicts, I find myself reaching for gems I learned from my mentors. For the record, my mentors had some amazing insights into people and processes. My mentors also happened to be the best examples of how I didn’t want to conduct myself in my life. In fact, my most regarded mentor once told me “Your strengths are your weaknesses.” So, there it is. He very well summed up my experience of him. But I digress. My mentors taught me some things that have served me very well when it seemed my side wasn’t on my side, or suddenly, wasn’t much of a side at all. These are some of the things I learned to do when a conflict erupts like a volcano:

Step One: Slow it down. Nothing is served by rushing into action, making assumptions without checking things out, or feeling you have to make decisions on the fly. If it is possible to do so, hit the pause button. Usually, a few more hours or days or weeks of study, thought, and consulting with others will hurt nothing and may help you get a better result than feeling forced to act in the moment.

Step Two: Talk to people. In fact, don’t stop talking to people in the situation. And by “talk”, I mean also to listen. Things tend to break down even further when we stop talking in earnest to each other. Talk to those you trust, and those who may have more solid information about the conflict. Talk to those with whom you are angry, upset or disappointed. In the latter case, maybe do that when emotions have simmered down a bit.

Step Three: Avoid Magical Thinking. One thing you can count on: people may misinterpret words, but they almost always know how you feel about them. It’s human nature. And no amount of words can disguise the energy you give off. So, no magical thinking. Do not think that if you just say the right words, you can mask your true feelings like a conjured glamour. You might need to own those feelings, be authentic. Sometimes this is the stuff that sticks to a conflict like freshly ground organic peanut butter to a plastic glove.

Step Four: Remember where you end with people is not where you begin next time. Yes. You may have talked with someone for hours and left off thinking they were no longer angry, or now agree with your points, or whatever. And when you pick up with them again they seem to have backslid, no longer in agreement. That’s normal. Change on this level, between people, is not linear with a beginning and an end. Just expect that and adjust accordingly so you’re not thrown or disappointed. It just means you may have to cover some ground again to get to the same place you know you can go.

Step Five: Use a crisis and turn it into an opportunity. You have to admit, there’s a lot of energy in these conflicts and crises, so much so that it sometimes borders on explosive. Has the conflict exposed a vulnerability at the co-op? Do you and others find yourselves saying “If only ‘this’ wasn’t a problem, this might be solved.” There may be some legitimate things that the crisis at hand may illuminate as an opportunity for positive, much needed change. And groups benefit from cooperative tasks, so identifying this work and getting the buy-in to take it on could help you in resolving the crisis.

The work isn’t simple, and these steps are really a roadmap more than an instruction manual. Emotions are running high these days, and people are stressed. Conflicts erupt easily when everyone is tense. One last pearl of wisdom from an old colleague: “When there’s no feed in the barn the horses bite each other.” Maybe having “Five Steps” will come in handy in some future moment when you look around and can’t identify your side.

Shari Gross has a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and has worked in government and human services her entire career. She is the long-standing Board President at the Erie Food Co-op.